There's something I don't talk about - ever - that only people who have known me the longest are aware of (and I'm not even sure about that), but I feel like I need to come clean about something. It's something I never should have avoided discussing in the first place, no matter how personal it is, because (as someone recently pointed out to me) by remaining silent I'm perpetuating the very stigma that I've been avoiding like the plague.
Anyone who's spent any amount of time with me in person during the spring or summer has no doubt noticed the markings all over my arms. I have, at least in recent years, claimed that these marks are the result of particularly bad allergic reactions.
FALSE. I'm sorry to those of you whom I've told this lie, and I feel particularly guilty because among this group of people are some individuals who are of the utmost importance to me. If it's any consolation, if I've met you in the last seven years, you should know it's the only story I've been comfortable telling because it's so much easier to deal with when compared to the truth.
While it's true that I am allergic to everything under the sun, these marks are the result of something called Dermatillomania. I'm not going to get too much into it (though this page does a pretty good job of explaining it), but basically it means they're self-inflicted and are, in my case (though not all cases), a symptom of my OCD, which I was diagnosed with as a teenager.
Not sure how many people know about that, since I'm more open about the OCD as a whole, even if I don't usually discuss it seriously.
Dermatillomania is not the same as cutting. I wouldn't even call it a conscious decision - the cause of it is a bit complex and my state of mind when I slip into it is almost impossible for me to describe. It's not a desire for pain, or a desire to hurt myself. In fact, the closest comparison I can make to the feeling I get from it is...I don't know, when I'm playing a video game, but unlike a video game I'm not consciously focusing on what I'm doing. In fact, I'm usually not thinking about what I'm doing at all. So perhaps it's actually nothing like a video game.
Anyway, the point is, I have this thing. It's not going to just go away, though sometimes it's easier to keep under control than others. And while I'm sure therapy and medication work wonders for many people who suffer from this condition, I've found that they actually make it worse for me. So no, I'm not going to see a doctor about it. The skin creams will not help make it go away. Yes, I should moisturize more, especially in the winter, but that has nothing to do with this.
I guess what I'm saying is please - stop giving me advice on how to handle this. I know you mean well, and I know that your advice stems from the fact that I lied about what's causing these marks, but it's super awkward for me to have to fake a smile and pretend to accept your advice to when I know perfectly well it isn't going to help at all.
And for God's sake, no. I don't have AIDS, cancer (at least, I hope I don't have cancer...), or psoriasis. I am not on any drugs except for Benadryl when my allergies flare up and occasionally my inhaler (and honestly, I've never taken an illegal substance in my life). I am not "crazy", though I might be a bit of a control freak and I do make a lot of lists and have to do things in certain rotations and counts. And really, truly, I am not actively trying to hurt myself and this doesn't mean I secretly hate myself. I don't hate myself. I get frustrated with myself sometimes, and sometimes I get a little mad at myself, and sure - I even annoy myself, but the love's still there. I mean, have you met my ego? It's out of control.
So. I'm sorry I lied. It was wrong to lie to my friends, and it was wrong to try to hide what's actually going on as though it were something to be ashamed of. And I'm going to stop being ashamed of it. I'm not going to go around wearing a t-shirt that says "HI! I HAVE OCD! LET'S BE FRIENDS!" anytime soon, but I'm going to try to be more honest about it.
...If you've read this post all the way through, I thank you. If you're horrified and think that I'm a terrible weirdo as a result...WELP. You're entitled to your opinion. But if you understand what I'm getting at, the one request I do have is please, be understanding. Try not to use OCD as a throwaway joke because you like to keep your things neat, and try not to automatically judge people who have weird markings or actually do show OCD symptoms.
This is my first personal blog post. I don't think it'll be my last, but I don't think I'll be talking too much about this again since my OCD doesn't define me. I just really needed to get this off my chest, and I've wanted to for a while.
